Van Peters Rebukes Hair Probe

15th April

Pervis Van Peters has responded to claims that he is losing his hair, and that he is turning to bizarre organic spiritual remedies to cure the problem. Van Peters released a statement yesterday, "I have always been and still am blessed with the most wonderful full bodied think glossy bouncy hair. Though I have nothing against the follically deficient, I am offended by the accusations that I am now in their number".

Van Peters was joined at the press conference by his physician Dr Richard T. Bufford, who took the unparalleled step of inviting members of the press up to the stage one by one in order to run their fingers through Pervis's hair to prove its healthy condition. Later most members of the press reluctantly conceded that it was "vivacious and full bodied".

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